So last night I got really bored and decided that the best and most entertaining way to pass the night while my insomnia was in over drive was to download tinder. So i did and I set up my profile and I began swiping (left mostly) just to see what craziness ensued. Within the first few minutes I had some matches. At this point the stupid app became addictive. I mean its so simplistic and idiotic and kind of genius. You just swipe left or right and see who your interested in and who’s interested in you. Anyways, most people that I match with I haven’t even spoken to but there have been two guys I’ve had brief conversations with. These conversations have all started quite normally: Hey. Hi. How are you? I’m doing well etc. etc. however both conversations have come to a point very quickly (like less than 10 messages) where these guys have invited me over to their houses. Now I have nothing but respect for them to have the nerve to put themselves out there like that, but do they really think I’m gana go to their house? I don’t know them. They are complete strangers and going to a complete strangers house is asking for trouble. I just don’t understand does this actually work for them? Do girls actually come over to their house after 10 messages and absolutely no information? And if so why are these girls so stupid…you don’t go over to a strange man’s house! That was like rule number one in elementary school!! Weren’t they listening even a little bit? Further, are these guys stupid. How do they know I’m actually who I say I am and not some creepy person cat fishing them. I mean the elementary lesson wasn’t just for the girls but for the boys too. DON’T GO TO A STRANGERS HOUSE?LET A STRANGER INTO YOURS!! I mean for real what if I wanted to rob these guys blind? They just made my job real easy just show up at their house flirt a little and start taking their shit. They won’t be able to do anything about it because all they know about me is that I say my name is Breanna and I live somewhere in the greater grand rapids area. I am just floored!!!
I sit and contemplate if and when it is ok to feel. I think no not here and just like that the wall goes up. For seconds it slips down because I consciously let it, but then its gone as soon as it came. I know it but I cannot help it. I use to be an open book with my emotions on my sleeve. The only thing I ever truly had a grip on was what I felt. I use to think that was a good thing that made me stronger than anyone else in that aspect. Something happened last year though and feeling became a burden and emotions a weakness and somewhere in all the hurt I blocked them off without realizing it. That realization that they were hidden in the back of my mind under blankets instead of at the surface came later. It came when I finally did feel again and knew I was safe doing so. It came when a girl, a girl so lost in her own life, arrived in my room one night and chose to actually see. In the presence of a near stranger I finally was safe; I finally could feel.
Maybe one day, it will be clear again. Maybe on day I will have my emotional strength back, my strength to feel what I feel when I feel it and own it like so few do. But until that day I will hold on to her words in my greatest time of need. Your not suppose to have any of it figured out. Look at me and all I’ve done and all I’ve had, I’m lost now and I still don’t have one moment of it figured out. I wish I’d known her before she was lost, because while found I’m sure her amazing shined even brighter than it does now (if that’s anywhere near possible). But sometimes, lost is better.
I spent the last year trying to pick up all of the pieces of m life…but sure enough as soon as I feel like I finally cleaned it all up here I am broken again. This time its not as bad. I’m not as hurt or as angry. I just know that the pieces of me it took so long to find and put back where they belong haven’t been around enough for this.
I’ve lost friends before. Some slowly, some all at once, but never have I lost someone and had them turn around and out right lie about everything that happened. I’ve never lost someone I’ve been this close to and had them depict me as an awful, selfish, human being simply because I took myself out of a toxic situation in order to make everyone involved happy. I’ve never lost someone and felt so hurt and so un-concerned at the same time.
I’ve never lost someone like this in my life.