I sit and contemplate if and when it is ok to feel. I think no not here and just like that the wall goes up. For seconds it slips down because I consciously let it, but then its gone as soon as it came. I know it but I cannot help it. I use to be an open book with my emotions on my sleeve. The only thing I ever truly had a grip on was what I felt. I use to think that was a good thing that made me stronger than anyone else in that aspect. Something happened last year though and feeling became a burden and emotions a weakness and somewhere in all the hurt I blocked them off without realizing it. That realization that they were hidden in the back of my mind under blankets instead of at the surface came later. It came when I finally did feel again and knew I was safe doing so. It came when a girl, a girl so lost in her own life, arrived in my room one night and chose to actually see. In the presence of a near stranger I finally was safe; I finally could feel.
Maybe one day, it will be clear again. Maybe on day I will have my emotional strength back, my strength to feel what I feel when I feel it and own it like so few do. But until that day I will hold on to her words in my greatest time of need. Your not suppose to have any of it figured out. Look at me and all I’ve done and all I’ve had, I’m lost now and I still don’t have one moment of it figured out. I wish I’d known her before she was lost, because while found I’m sure her amazing shined even brighter than it does now (if that’s anywhere near possible). But sometimes, lost is better.
I spent the last year trying to pick up all of the pieces of m life…but sure enough as soon as I feel like I finally cleaned it all up here I am broken again. This time its not as bad. I’m not as hurt or as angry. I just know that the pieces of me it took so long to find and put back where they belong haven’t been around enough for this.
I’ve lost friends before. Some slowly, some all at once, but never have I lost someone and had them turn around and out right lie about everything that happened. I’ve never lost someone I’ve been this close to and had them depict me as an awful, selfish, human being simply because I took myself out of a toxic situation in order to make everyone involved happy. I’ve never lost someone and felt so hurt and so un-concerned at the same time.
I’ve never lost someone like this in my life.